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Best Lawyer Jokes

November 15, 2007
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Why is it that non-lawyers seem to enjoy—really relish—telling lawyer jokes? There has to be some kind of psychological or sociological explanation.

There are more jokes about lawyers than jokes about any other profession; yet lawyers don’t seem to partake in them all that much. We always seem to be the last ones in on the joke—ha ha ha—as if we’ve never heard that one before.

Curiously, lawyer jokes are never all that funny when told by a lawyer. Actually, to me, lawyer jokes aren’t all that funny, period, when told by anyone, including non-lawyers. Maybe I just don’t have that kind of humor. But sometimes, lawyer jokes do work. Perhaps jokes about lawyers work because when they’re told by outsiders, you can always detect a hint of envy, self-righteousness, and—here’s the real kicker—truth.

Did you hear about the lawyer in the small town who was starving and could barely make ends meet even though he was the only lawyer in town? No business—until a second lawyer moved to town, hung out his shingle, and they both got rich.*

P.S. This joke would have been a lot funnier delivered by your neighbor at your holiday party.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. B-Rizzle permalink
    November 15, 2007 5:34 pm

    YOU NEED TO LIGHTEN UP! Once you stop taking yourself so seriously, you might find humor in good jokes.

    Here’s a good one: A lawyer dies and stands at the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter said to him, “You’ve led an average life, so we’re going to give you the choice of spending eternity in heaven or hell”. The lawyer says, “Great, I can go where I want!”

    The lawyer gets swept down to hell. There are beautiful people, gambling where everyone wins, stylish race cars, the most delicious foods in the universe, and of course – lots of money! The lawyer says to himself, “I sure could live like this!”

    The lawyer then gets lifted up to heaven. Well, there are cherubs, beautiful clouds, sounds of celestial trumpets, and of course angels. He asks an angel where the food is, and the angel replies that he doesn’t need food in heaven. The lawyer says to himself, “eh.”

    After a few hours, the lawyer then gets brought back to the gates of heaven to meet again with St. Peter. St. Peter says, “Well, which is it? Heaven or hell?” The lawyer says, “Hell has gambling, beautiful people, delicious food . . . everything I love! I want to go to hell!”

    The lawyer was instantly whisked down to hell. There were demons burning his feet, fire breathing dragons, black smoke, and black caverns. The lawyer finds the devil and says, “What happened? When I first visited, everything was beautiful and great. Now, its all a mess!” The devil responded, “Your a lawyer, so you should know the drill. When you first visited, you were a potential client. Now, you are a just a client! Ha, ha, ha!” “Burn!!!!”

  2. November 15, 2007 6:46 pm

    You’re right (about lightening up). Actually, I’ve heard that joke before. And I must admit… it is funny.

    Talking of funny, here are some more jokes. Supposedly, they’re what people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. I got them online:

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

  3. johne118 permalink
    November 16, 2007 6:04 am

    “What’s a lawyer?,” a young boy asked his father.
    “A lawyer, son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes.”

  4. Mark permalink
    November 20, 2007 1:03 am

    Here’s a good one [works best if the audience thinks you are referring to an authentic story in the newspaper]:

    Did you hear about the case in that small town [insert name of your best friend’s hometown] where a man was arrested for having sex with a sheep? During opening arguments the prosecutor desribed the act in question, how the sheep made such a racket that the neighbors were alerted to the crime. Just then a member of the jury leaned into his peer and whispered: “A good sheep will do that you know.”

  5. January 25, 2008 5:23 am

    mmm ppl don’t usually come to me with lawyer jokes… they usually just make (what they think are funny) comments when they find out that i’m a lawyer – general comments are: “ohhh are you going to sue me?”… “you dont’ look that evil for a lawyer”…” – mmm not funny! = )

  6. Shelley permalink
    February 2, 2009 6:45 pm

    What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
    He gets taller…

    Two lawyers are on a deserted island with a beautiful woman. One lawyer says to the other “let’s screw her”. The other one says “outta what???”

  7. April 19, 2010 8:34 pm

    One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

    “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

    “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.” “Bring them along,” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us too”.

    “But sir, I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered. “Bring them as well,” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limo.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

    The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place, the grass is almost a foot tall.”

  8. Sam permalink
    April 21, 2010 11:47 am

    These lawyer jokes are brutal. Ouch!

  9. July 21, 2011 9:29 am

    Loving these jokes! Remind me of past colleagues!

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