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10 Reasons I Would Decline a Subsequent Date

April 12, 2007

Do you know that girl who always seems to have a boyfriend? Of course you do. I do, too. She may not be the most beautiful girl you know; she may not have the most toned body; and she may not be the funniest girl you’ve ever met. But men love to date this “Boyfriend Girl,” and men love to ask her to take the relationship to the next level after just several dates. Of course, I would never dare compare myself to this girl. But, since I’ve been fortunate enough to be always in the position to either accept or decline subsequent dates, I feel I am qualified to share with you what makes me want to decline a subsequent date.

10 Reasons I Would say NO to a Subsequent Date (not in any particular order):

1. The Bad Boys

I might have been thrilled by the idea of a bad boy when I was in my early twenties, but now that I’m more mature and looking for the real thing with substance and intellect, bad boys who live a reckless lifestyle, or are obviously only looking for fun and nothing more even when a terrific girl comes along, or hang out at strip joints more than they do at the gym just don’t cut it for me. I’m not saying that bad boys can never be trustworthy or be boyfriend material. But I guess I am risk-averse, and I just don’t want to waste my time trying to change someone into a trustworthy man.

2. Mr. Nice Guys

Don’t get me wrong. Nice is great. I adore nice guys. Why wouldn’t I? I love it when a guy shows up at the door with flowers, or gives me his coat to wear when I get a little cold while waiting for a cab, or surprises me at work by having a glass of bubble tea delivered to my office. But there’s a fine line between nice and toooooo nice. And after a while, all the incessant phone calls and text messages, baby talks, constant touching in public, sickening nicknames…. you get the idea…. well, all these become so overwhelming that I start feeling suffocated and annoyed. And all I want is to run as far away from the guy as possible so that I have some room to breathe.

3. The Wandering Eye Guys

Need I say more? Not that it’s happened to me before, but…. 😉 If I’m out on a date, and my date’s checking out other girls or constantly making comments about other girls’ appearances, I’d be wary. When I am out on a date with someone, I try to make him feel like he’s the only one out there. And I want him to make me feel like I’m the only one out there, too. I don’t expect to change or tame these types of guys down the road; and even though I am self-confident, it’s not worth it for me to try to compete for his attention.

4. Guys Who Try Too Hard To Convince Me To Like Them

I have news for you. A boy will never change how a girl “feels” when it comes to attraction. For me, it’s important that I feel at least SOME chemistry from the beginning. Sometimes, though, even if I don’t feel much chemistry on a first date, if I think a guy can be a boyfriend material, I might go out on a couple more dates to see if this chemistry is there. If I don’t feel the chemistry after two or three dates, there’ll be no subsequent date. Guys, please don’t try to convince a girl to like you (for example, telling her that you’re a catch or that she won’t find another guy more giving/understanding/caring/fill-in-the-blank than you). Even if you’re being reasonable, have some pride in yourself.

5. Guys Who Share How They Feel Too Early In the Relationship

Sad but true. We love guys who are sensitive. We love guys who communicate their feelings. But, please don’t start saying, “You know, I’ll remember this date ten years from now when we’re celebrating our anniversary” after three dates. Please don’t say, “I hope you realize how much I really, REALLY like you” over and over and over again within the first week of meeting a girl. Please don’t tell a girl that you’re convinced she’s your soul mate after the first two weeks of dating. Too much syrup too soon will send a girl running away. Save it for later, after she’s fallen for you.

6. Players and Other Guys Who Have No Patience

Some guys are just not capable of having a fulfilling, committed relationship with a girl no matter how terrific she is. Some guys view picking up women as a sort of game and aren’t looking to take the relationship to the next level. I think that sometimes, we just have to trust our intuition and cut your losses and move on as quickly as possible. If a guy told me that he is afraid of commitment, I would take his word on its face. If a guy pressured me to do something I wouldn’t want to do or I am not ready to do, you can be sure that there will be no subsequent date. When there are so many guys out there who are decent and who are willing to wait for you until you’re ready to take that next step, why would you give a time of day to a guy who’s got no patience?

7. Guys Who Are Depressing or Have No Confidence

Let’s face it. Girls are attracted to guys who are fun, funny, and confident. Being around these types of guys make us feel good. If I’m on a first date with a guy and he’s telling me about his whole unhappy childhood or dysfunctional family, or he’s talking about nothing else but about the many fights he’s had with his ex, I may think twice about going on a second date with this guy. And if he needs me to validate him and is constantly fishing for compliments, I will most likely say no to a subsequent date. Guys, remember. Your date is just that–your date. Not your therapist. Please save the drama for your therapist.

8. Guys Who Talk Only About Themselves

BORING.

9. Guys Who Don’t Pay On the First Date

I will ALWAYS insist on paying for my share on a first date. But call me old-fashioned, if a guy lets me contribute on a first date, I think twice about going out with him again. Chivalry does not have to be dead.

10. Guys Who Are Needy, Clingy, and Insecure

If I tell you I have to leave now, please don’t say, “Well, um, okay…. Will you please call me when you get home? I’d love it if you called me. I love hearing from you.” And please don’t ask me if I think that you’re nice, fun, interesting, funny, etc. over and over again. Please don’t ask me if I think you’re my type after a first date. Please don’t send me a funny text and then call me to ask if I thought it was funny. Please don’t use insecure, approval-seeking gestures and voice tone. You may be a very attractive guy, but if you do that, my attraction for you goes away.

Oh, I didn’t write down guys who are not emotionally available, who can’t communicate at all, who are insensitive or rude, who are cocky and way into themselves, who are immature, who are nice one one minute and rude the next, who are Mama’s boys, who don’t treat others with respect, etc. because it goes without saying that they don’t deserve a a subsequent date.

And, of course, being a lawyer, I have to put a disclaimer. These “rules” apply only to the first few dates, and besides, they aren’t strict rules.

Anyway, if you want to read another light-hearted article about dating and chivalry, check out a comment posted by Steve D in my previous blog. Just click on:

Stay Tuned for Next Week’s Blog

Also, since this blog is aimed at young lawyers, don’t forget to check out upcoming events. We need volunteers!!!! Click on:

Upcoming Events

Last but not least, don’t forget the YLD happy hour on April 19, 2007 at the Rum Bar.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2007 5:10 pm

    Awesome piece! Thanks for giving my previous mini-article a shout out!

    Are all young lawyers allowed to go to the YLD events, or do ya have to work in philly to be part of the crew? I am clerking for a Judge in what I affectionally call “the smokestack state.” 🙂

  2. R.J. permalink
    April 12, 2007 5:46 pm

    Just wanted to drop a line to let you know your blog is pretty interesting…even to us old folks! At one point I was actually thinking about writing a book on relationships, not that I was an expert, but just my observations. I thought you tackled the subject really well. Funny, I vaguely remember a bunch of the issues you raise from back in the day. My wife and my first date was to a dance club/bar on South Street….and I picked up the tab LOL.

  3. girlygirl34 permalink
    April 12, 2007 6:18 pm

    Steve D,
    Thanks for the compliments on the blog. And to answer your question, I think all young lawyers are allowed to go to the YLD events. Maybe we’ll see you at one of them!

  4. TB Pickens permalink
    April 12, 2007 8:53 pm

    Girly Girl,

    Hilarious- but I’ll always be a mama’s boy 🙂

  5. Still_Waiting_Impatiently............... Not. permalink
    April 12, 2007 10:42 pm

    WHAT?!?!?!

    “When there are so many guys out there who are decent and who are willing to wait for you until you’re ready to take that next step, why would you give a time of day to a guy who’s got no patience?”

    After the list you just laid out, the problems you have with each type, and leaving me feeling like you could just go on and on…. I don’t think you’ve actually met any of these decent & patient characters, of which there are “so many.”

    But I know where you could find some:
    (a) at the library, rolling through microfiche rather than Googling or going through some news archives online;
    (b) by the benches on the A.C. Boardwalk where there are plenty of single gentleman born at the turn of the 20th century staring patiently at the beautiful seashore;
    (c) match.com/true.com/jdate.com/ just make sure you limit your search to men over the age of 70.

    In sum, I don’t think there are “so many” guys or girls who are patient – they may be decent, but rarely if ever patient, especially not at our age. Life, work, and everything in b/w have reached warp speed – why should the one wait for the other to make up their mind? (especially when there are so many others 😉

  6. April 13, 2007 2:17 am

    The Phillies lost again! This team can’t win! Arg!

    Girlygirl34: Can you drop me a line when you get a free sec? I kind of wanted to ask you about what it’s like working over there, but I feel weird asking in front of all of the techie people! 🙂

    My email is: sdistefano@gmualumni.org

    Thanks soooooooooooooo much!

  7. April 13, 2007 2:25 am

    PS: I didn’t just ask for your email addy, because I wasn’t sure if you’d want it posted online for all to see. See? That’s chivalry…

    …ok, maybe not. 🙂

  8. Abigail permalink
    April 13, 2007 6:03 pm

    This content seems unsuitable for a serious legal website.

  9. Still_Waiting_Impatiently............... Not. permalink
    April 13, 2007 6:21 pm

    Looks like Steve D’s got the hots for girlygirl(“cant get a date”)34.

    Also looks like Abigail is showing some of that Honor in her genes.

  10. Still_Waiting_Impatiently............... Not. permalink
    April 13, 2007 6:37 pm

    ouch

  11. April 13, 2007 8:15 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly with Abigail and Terri. Lawyers should stay true to their stereotypes of being humorless and devout opponents to any type of social life.

    I mean it’s not like TV news would ever have a light hearted segment or a major newspaper would devote space to a frivolous yet entertaining story. So God forbid a lawyer blog would ever consider to post something outside the realm of dry legal discussions over 70 year old precedents or a list of my Top 10 Favorite Objections.

    If we continue down this path of frivolity instead of using terms like stuffy and greedy to describe attorneys they will resort to insults such as human and fun.

  12. girlygirl34 permalink
    April 14, 2007 2:51 am

    Wow! Looks like I missed a lot of discussion today! This blog discusses topics that are important to young lawyers. It may include topics on law jobs, current legal issues, minorities in the legal field, YLD events, and yes, even issues dealing with the social and dating life of young lawyers. The important thing is, this blog allows for dialogue among the young lawyers in the community.

  13. April 9, 2009 10:09 am

    I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.

  14. Alicia permalink
    April 24, 2009 3:07 am

    I agree. Men bite.

  15. July 15, 2010 9:34 am

    Just wanted to drop a line to let you know your blog is pretty interesting…even to us old folks! At one point I was actually thinking about writing a book on relationships, not that I was an expert, but just my observations. I thought you tackled the subject really well. Funny, I vaguely remember a bunch of the issues you raise from back in the day. My wife and my first date was to a dance club/bar on South Street….and I picked up the tab LOL.
    thanks
    killing games

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