10 Reasons I Would Decline a Subsequent Date
Do you know that girl who always seems to have a boyfriend? Of course you do. I do, too. She may not be the most beautiful girl you know; she may not have the most toned body; and she may not be the funniest girl you’ve ever met. But men love to date this “Boyfriend Girl,” and men love to ask her to take the relationship to the next level after just several dates. Of course, I would never dare compare myself to this girl. But, since I’ve been fortunate enough to be always in the position to either accept or decline subsequent dates, I feel I am qualified to share with you what makes me want to decline a subsequent date.
10 Reasons I Would say NO to a Subsequent Date (not in any particular order):
1. The Bad Boys
I might have been thrilled by the idea of a bad boy when I was in my early twenties, but now that I’m more mature and looking for the real thing with substance and intellect, bad boys who live a reckless lifestyle, or are obviously only looking for fun and nothing more even when a terrific girl comes along, or hang out at strip joints more than they do at the gym just don’t cut it for me. I’m not saying that bad boys can never be trustworthy or be boyfriend material. But I guess I am risk-averse, and I just don’t want to waste my time trying to change someone into a trustworthy man.
2. Mr. Nice Guys
Don’t get me wrong. Nice is great. I adore nice guys. Why wouldn’t I? I love it when a guy shows up at the door with flowers, or gives me his coat to wear when I get a little cold while waiting for a cab, or surprises me at work by having a glass of bubble tea delivered to my office. But there’s a fine line between nice and toooooo nice. And after a while, all the incessant phone calls and text messages, baby talks, constant touching in public, sickening nicknames…. you get the idea…. well, all these become so overwhelming that I start feeling suffocated and annoyed. And all I want is to run as far away from the guy as possible so that I have some room to breathe.
3. The Wandering Eye Guys
Need I say more? Not that it’s happened to me before, but…. 😉 If I’m out on a date, and my date’s checking out other girls or constantly making comments about other girls’ appearances, I’d be wary. When I am out on a date with someone, I try to make him feel like he’s the only one out there. And I want him to make me feel like I’m the only one out there, too. I don’t expect to change or tame these types of guys down the road; and even though I am self-confident, it’s not worth it for me to try to compete for his attention.
4. Guys Who Try Too Hard To Convince Me To Like Them
I have news for you. A boy will never change how a girl “feels” when it comes to attraction. For me, it’s important that I feel at least SOME chemistry from the beginning. Sometimes, though, even if I don’t feel much chemistry on a first date, if I think a guy can be a boyfriend material, I might go out on a couple more dates to see if this chemistry is there. If I don’t feel the chemistry after two or three dates, there’ll be no subsequent date. Guys, please don’t try to convince a girl to like you (for example, telling her that you’re a catch or that she won’t find another guy more giving/understanding/caring/fill-in-the-blank than you). Even if you’re being reasonable, have some pride in yourself.
5. Guys Who Share How They Feel Too Early In the Relationship
Sad but true. We love guys who are sensitive. We love guys who communicate their feelings. But, please don’t start saying, “You know, I’ll remember this date ten years from now when we’re celebrating our anniversary” after three dates. Please don’t say, “I hope you realize how much I really, REALLY like you” over and over and over again within the first week of meeting a girl. Please don’t tell a girl that you’re convinced she’s your soul mate after the first two weeks of dating. Too much syrup too soon will send a girl running away. Save it for later, after she’s fallen for you.
6. Players and Other Guys Who Have No Patience
Some guys are just not capable of having a fulfilling, committed relationship with a girl no matter how terrific she is. Some guys view picking up women as a sort of game and aren’t looking to take the relationship to the next level. I think that sometimes, we just have to trust our intuition and cut your losses and move on as quickly as possible. If a guy told me that he is afraid of commitment, I would take his word on its face. If a guy pressured me to do something I wouldn’t want to do or I am not ready to do, you can be sure that there will be no subsequent date. When there are so many guys out there who are decent and who are willing to wait for you until you’re ready to take that next step, why would you give a time of day to a guy who’s got no patience?
7. Guys Who Are Depressing or Have No Confidence
Let’s face it. Girls are attracted to guys who are fun, funny, and confident. Being around these types of guys make us feel good. If I’m on a first date with a guy and he’s telling me about his whole unhappy childhood or dysfunctional family, or he’s talking about nothing else but about the many fights he’s had with his ex, I may think twice about going on a second date with this guy. And if he needs me to validate him and is constantly fishing for compliments, I will most likely say no to a subsequent date. Guys, remember. Your date is just that–your date. Not your therapist. Please save the drama for your therapist.
8. Guys Who Talk Only About Themselves
9. Guys Who Don’t Pay On the First Date
I will ALWAYS insist on paying for my share on a first date. But call me old-fashioned, if a guy lets me contribute on a first date, I think twice about going out with him again. Chivalry does not have to be dead.
10. Guys Who Are Needy, Clingy, and Insecure
If I tell you I have to leave now, please don’t say, “Well, um, okay…. Will you please call me when you get home? I’d love it if you called me. I love hearing from you.” And please don’t ask me if I think that you’re nice, fun, interesting, funny, etc. over and over again. Please don’t ask me if I think you’re my type after a first date. Please don’t send me a funny text and then call me to ask if I thought it was funny. Please don’t use insecure, approval-seeking gestures and voice tone. You may be a very attractive guy, but if you do that, my attraction for you goes away.
Oh, I didn’t write down guys who are not emotionally available, who can’t communicate at all, who are insensitive or rude, who are cocky and way into themselves, who are immature, who are nice one one minute and rude the next, who are Mama’s boys, who don’t treat others with respect, etc. because it goes without saying that they don’t deserve a a subsequent date.
And, of course, being a lawyer, I have to put a disclaimer. These “rules” apply only to the first few dates, and besides, they aren’t strict rules.
Anyway, if you want to read another light-hearted article about dating and chivalry, check out a comment posted by Steve D in my previous blog. Just click on:
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Last but not least, don’t forget the YLD happy hour on April 19, 2007 at the Rum Bar.