Random Thoughts on White Men Dating Asian Women, Asian Fetish, Yellow Fever, or Whatever Else You Want To Call It

Relationships between white men and an Asian women seem to be not only quite common but also accepted far more than the other interracial relationships.  I’ve noticed most Asian women with white men at my undergraduate school, graduate school, and law school as well as the legal community and in my neighborhood.

Many of my Asian women friends and colleagues have told me that they don’t have a preference as to what race they date but that it’s usually white men who ask them out. [This has been my experience as well].

On the other hand, I know quite a few white men who prefer to date only Asian women. Their reasons are always the same. They prefer the Asian looks: straight black hair, slender builds, almond-shaped eyes, and smooth golden skin. They like the culture, the art, and the traditions of Asia. And they say that they find Asian women to be more feminine. Many of my Asian friends and colleagues [jokingly] say that these men have an “Asian fetish” or “yellow fever.”

Recently, I had a couple of conversations on the topic of white men who prefer to date only Asian women. So I looked online for articles and comments concerning this topic. Many of the articles on this topic were somewhat offensive, and many of them just confirmed my belief that certainly there are many men out there with “yellow fever,” whether they want to admit it or not (see, for example: Why White Men Prefer Asian Women and White Boy Speaks on Dating Asian Women.

I then came across an article, Tiny, Flat-Chested and Hairless: A White Man Extols the Wonders of Asian Women. However, like many people who wrote letters to the editor (see Letters), I found this article also to be quite offensive because she implied that men who prefer to date Asian women must be pedophiles. One of the first things that came to my mind when I read this article was that this author (a white woman) must not like Asian women very much (or white men who date Asian women, for that matter), since she exhibited a better-than-thou attitude.

So I got curious about the relations between Asian women and Non-Asian women. And wouldn’t you know it? There was an article exactly on point: Relations Between Asian and Non-Asian Women. The article points out that some white women have negative impressions of Asian women because they see Asian women either as sexual threats (the exotic temptresses/sexual predators stereotype), or objects of pity and condescension (the passive victims of sexist cultures stereotype), or as superhuman competitors for grades and promotions (the grinds-with-no-lives stereotype).

Yes, I know I’ve digressed. But what the heck? They’re just my random thoughts on Asian women, white men, non-Asian women, yellow fever, Asian fetish, and everything in between.

10 Ways You Know You’re Over Your Ex

After my ex-boyfriend and I broke up several months ago, someone told me the best way to get over a breakup was to start dating right away: “It’s really the best way to get yourself distracted and to forget about your ex.” I didn’t take that person’s advice, and I’m glad I didn’t because I’ve learned that the best way to get over a breakup is to take some time for yourself to feel whole again and to heal first before getting into another relationship. [See my blog entitled How to Survive a Breakup]. In my opinion, rushing into a new relationship right away without first healing is tantamount to putting a band-aid over a knife stab.

I know plenty of people who rushed into a new relationship and are not over their exes. A friend of mine, for example, settled for someone who is — how can I put it gently? — not quite what he is looking for. Initially, they started seeing each other because he did not want to be alone after he and his ex broke up, and later because it was convenient. And now they’re sort of stuck because they are well into the relationship. Another friend started dating indiscriminately after she and her ex split, but on many occasions, had hooked up with her ex because she was still not over him. Another friend got into a monogamous relationship right after his breakup, but even after a long time, could not take his new relationship to the next level because he came to realize that the person he was dating was just a rebound girl. Another friend got into a monogamous relationship with a great guy whom she was willing to marry, but she still thought about her ex constantly and even googled his name on a regular basis and would tear up if she saw anything new about him or by him.

With this in mind, I want to share with you single people in the dating scene an article I read (from youvebeendumped) which talks about how one knows if one is over an ex:

1. Thinking about your ex less: you realize that you’re no longer thinking of your ex all the time and no longer torturing yourself about what could have been. Even when you do think about your ex from time to time (which is perfectly normal), it doesn’t make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, etc. You may remember the goods times you’ve shared without bursting into tears.

2. Plotting: You’ve accepted that you and your ex are not getting back together, and you’ve stopped praying for reconciliation.

3. Music: You can listen to music that reminds you of your ex without being an emotional wreck. And not all love songs remind you of your ex anymore.

4. Pictures: You can look at old pictures of you and your ex with a sort of detachment. Sure, you may still feel a bit sentimental, but you are not bursting into tears thinking about the good old days, and any setback you feel is brief.

5. Ending the race: You don’t feel the need to prove anything to your ex, e.g., wishing to bump into your ex to show off a hot new “replacement” so that you can prove that you’ve moved on.

6. Not taking revenge: You’re pleased, or at least indifferent, when you hear that you’re ex is doing well, and you’re not secretly celebrating your ex’s misfortune.

7. Looking for him/her wherever you go: You don’t look into shops, bars, or other places where you ex might be, hoping to run into him/her. If you do run into your ex, though, and your heart races a little, it apparently does not mean that you are not over him/her.

8. Revisiting former haunts: You are able to go back to places where you and your ex used to go, which you have been avoiding since the split.

9. Your ex having sex …. with someone else: You can picture your ex having sex with someone else or being in a relationship with someone else, and it doesn’t make you hurt, angry, jealous, or extremely emotional.

10. Reading their horoscope: You’re no longer reading your ex’s horoscope and obsessing over your ex.

I liked the article. And even before I read that article, it suddenly hit me about a month ago that I was over my ex-boyfriend. I guess in some ways, knowing you’re over your ex is a lot like falling in love. You just know it. My ex, who didn’t seem to be too affected by our split and who never took any time for himself after our split, is probably still not completely over the breakup, but it seems like he’s well on his way to being healed. He asked me to have dinner with him a couple of weeks ago so that he could give me back the stuff I left behind. It was the first time we saw each other since we broke up. He told me he was lonely and started dating someone but ended their relationship before it got physical because he couldn’t really see himself dating anyone seriously before going back to his home country. He also told me that since I cut his hair just before we broke up, he had not cut his hair for sentimental reasons until the day before he came down to Philly for dinner. He then asked me if I regretted dating him for the past year or feel like I wasted my time, since he knew I would not have gotten into a relationship with anyone if there was no chance for the relationship to progress – and obviously, our relationship did not progress. And after dinner, as he gave me back my James Blunt CD, he asked me if I still like the singer and asked me if I had listened to “Goodbye My Lover” recently. As we parted, he said he felt a little sad seeing me, but he was happy to see that I was doing well. Hearing him say that made me feel a bit sentimental, but in some strange ways, I also felt at peace because I realized that even though a chapter of my life had already ended, I was ready to start a new chapter soon.

The moral of this story? Simple. Just don’t start dating simply to get over someone. Get to know yourself, take your time to heal, and feel good being alone before venturing into the next relationship. That’s what I did. And it helped me a great deal.

On a different note, here’s a good post you might also be interested in, written by yours truly for my firm’s blog: Ten Steps to Take If You’re Laid Off (it deals with issues on discrimination, retaliation, lay offs, and other employment matters).

10 Reasons I Would Decline a Subsequent Date

Do you know that girl who always seems to have a boyfriend? Of course you do. I do, too. She may not be the most beautiful girl you know; she may not have the most toned body; and she may not be the funniest girl you’ve ever met. But men love to date this “Boyfriend Girl,” and men love to ask her to take the relationship to the next level after just several dates. Of course, I would never dare compare myself to this girl. But, since I’ve been fortunate enough to be always in the position to either accept or decline subsequent dates, I feel I am qualified to share with you what makes me want to decline a subsequent date.

10 Reasons I Would say NO to a Subsequent Date (not in any particular order):

1. The Bad Boys

I might have been thrilled by the idea of a bad boy when I was in my early twenties, but now that I’m more mature and looking for the real thing with substance and intellect, bad boys who live a reckless lifestyle, or are obviously only looking for fun and nothing more even when a terrific girl comes along, or hang out at strip joints more than they do at the gym just don’t cut it for me. I’m not saying that bad boys can never be trustworthy or be boyfriend material. But I guess I am risk-averse, and I just don’t want to waste my time trying to change someone into a trustworthy man.

2. Mr. Nice Guys

Don’t get me wrong. Nice is great. I adore nice guys. Why wouldn’t I? I love it when a guy shows up at the door with flowers, or gives me his coat to wear when I get a little cold while waiting for a cab, or surprises me at work by having a glass of bubble tea delivered to my office. But there’s a fine line between nice and toooooo nice. And after a while, all the incessant phone calls and text messages, baby talks, constant touching in public, sickening nicknames…. you get the idea…. well, all these become so overwhelming that I start feeling suffocated and annoyed. And all I want is to run as far away from the guy as possible so that I have some room to breathe.

3. The Wandering Eye Guys

Need I say more? Not that it’s happened to me before, but…. If I’m out on a date, and my date’s checking out other girls or constantly making comments about other girls’ appearances, I’d be wary. When I am out on a date with someone, I try to make him feel like he’s the only one out there. And I want him to make me feel like I’m the only one out there, too. I don’t expect to change or tame these types of guys down the road; and even though I am self-confident, it’s not worth it for me to try to compete for his attention.

4. Guys Who Try Too Hard To Convince Me To Like Them

I have news for you. A boy will never change how a girl “feels” when it comes to attraction. For me, it’s important that I feel at least SOME chemistry from the beginning. Sometimes, though, even if I don’t feel much chemistry on a first date, if I think a guy can be a boyfriend material, I might go out on a couple more dates to see if this chemistry is there. If I don’t feel the chemistry after two or three dates, there’ll be no subsequent date. Guys, please don’t try to convince a girl to like you (for example, telling her that you’re a catch or that she won’t find another guy more giving/understanding/caring/fill-in-the-blank than you). Even if you’re being reasonable, have some pride in yourself.

5. Guys Who Share How They Feel Too Early In the Relationship

Sad but true. We love guys who are sensitive. We love guys who communicate their feelings. But, please don’t start saying, “You know, I’ll remember this date ten years from now when we’re celebrating our anniversary” after three dates. Please don’t say, “I hope you realize how much I really, REALLY like you” over and over and over again within the first week of meeting a girl. Please don’t tell a girl that you’re convinced she’s your soul mate after the first two weeks of dating. Too much syrup too soon will send a girl running away. Save it for later, after she’s fallen for you.

6. Players and Other Guys Who Have No Patience

Some guys are just not capable of having a fulfilling, committed relationship with a girl no matter how terrific she is. Some guys view picking up women as a sort of game and aren’t looking to take the relationship to the next level. I think that sometimes, we just have to trust our intuition and cut your losses and move on as quickly as possible. If a guy told me that he is afraid of commitment, I would take his word on its face. If a guy pressured me to do something I wouldn’t want to do or I am not ready to do, you can be sure that there will be no subsequent date. When there are so many guys out there who are decent and who are willing to wait for you until you’re ready to take that next step, why would you give a time of day to a guy who’s got no patience?

7. Guys Who Are Depressing or Have No Confidence

Let’s face it. Girls are attracted to guys who are fun, funny, and confident. Being around these types of guys make us feel good. If I’m on a first date with a guy and he’s telling me about his whole unhappy childhood or dysfunctional family, or he’s talking about nothing else but about the many fights he’s had with his ex, I may think twice about going on a second date with this guy. And if he needs me to validate him and is constantly fishing for compliments, I will most likely say no to a subsequent date. Guys, remember. Your date is just that–your date. Not your therapist. Please save the drama for your therapist.

8. Guys Who Talk Only About Themselves

BORING.

9. Guys Who Don’t Pay On the First Date

I will ALWAYS insist on paying for my share on a first date. But call me old-fashioned, if a guy lets me contribute on a first date, I think twice about going out with him again. Chivalry does not have to be dead.

10. Guys Who Are Needy, Clingy, and Insecure

If I tell you I have to leave now, please don’t say, “Well, um, okay…. Will you please call me when you get home? I’d love it if you called me. I love hearing from you.” And please don’t ask me if I think that you’re nice, fun, interesting, funny, etc. over and over again. Please don’t ask me if I think you’re my type after a first date. Please don’t send me a funny text and then call me to ask if I thought it was funny. Please don’t use insecure, approval-seeking gestures and voice tone. You may be a very attractive guy, but if you do that, my attraction for you goes away.

Oh, I didn’t write down guys who are not emotionally available, who can’t communicate at all, who are insensitive or rude, who are cocky and way into themselves, who are immature, who are nice one one minute and rude the next, who are Mama’s boys, who don’t treat others with respect, etc. because it goes without saying that they don’t deserve a a subsequent date.

And, of course, being a lawyer, I have to put a disclaimer. These “rules” apply only to the first few dates, and besides, they aren’t strict rules.

Anyway, if you want to read another light-hearted article about dating and chivalry, check out a comment posted by Steve D in my previous blog. Just click on:

Stay Tuned for Next Week’s Blog

Also, since this blog is aimed at young lawyers, don’t forget to check out upcoming events. We need volunteers!!!! Click on:

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Last but not least, don’t forget the YLD happy hour on April 19, 2007 at the Rum Bar.

How to Survive a Breakup

You’ve all experienced this in one way or another.  You broke up with someone.  Someone broke up with you.  Or you are a friend of someone who had just broken up with someone else.  So needless to say, I am sure you all know the pain.

My boyfriend and I broke up recently and it’s been rough, to say the least, because we are still in love with each other.  We recognize that we had a really good relationship and that we got along so well.  We were able to communicate, listen, and compromise.  We were connected emotionally, physically and intellectually.  But we broke up because there is no future.  He is going back to his home country at the end of this year, and we both finally admitted to ourselves that our relationship would not survive over there. 

Since the breakup, I’ve been examining my feelings and grieving the loss.  And, for the fist time in my life, I’m not rushing into a new relationship so that I can find myself and come out of it without any baggage.  In the past, I might have simply masked the pain by denying my feelings, distracting myself with a new relationship, or simply treating myself like a victim and hating the world.  But now that I’m more mature, I am handling it in what I think is the best way.  Those of you who know me realize that I am a fan of self-help books; so yes, I’ve been reading them, too.  Not that I am a veteran of failed relationships, but I think I’m doing a hell of a good job dealing with this.  So I thought I’d share with you some insight on what I am doing to survive the breakup.  And of course, I’d love to get some advice from you, too, on how YOU cope with the loss of a significant other, too.

1.  Treat the breakup as what it is.  Do not fantasize about getting back together in the future.  Accept your reasons for the breakup, and accept that your relationship is over.  This way, you can really deal with the reality and set real boundaries.

2.  Talk to your friends and family and ask for their support.  Know that you are loved by them and that you are not alone.  Accept their support.

3.  Grieve.  Really grieve.  Cry.  It’s okay.  Let it all out.  Don’t deny your negative feelings.  Don’t react to them.  Just let your feelings be and accept them as they are.

4.  Have some alone time.  Don’t rush into a new relationship or start dating right away to mask the pain.  Take some time to heal.

5.  Keep yourself busy.  Go out with your friends.  Find a hobby.  Go to a park.  Go to the gym.  Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world.

6.  Realize that the pain that you are experiencing is just temporary.  Remember, time will heal.  And life will go on.  And eventually, you will be over him or her.

7.  Be good to yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  Treat yourself well.  Remember to love yourself.

8.  You may want to hook up with an ex or someone else.  But don’t.  It really won’t make you feel better.

9.  Don’t assume that alcohol will make you feel better, either.  It won’t.

10.  Once you are over the break up, analyze the relationship and yourself.  How did you grow from this experience?  What did you learn about yourself from this experience?  What will you do in the next relationship that is the same?  What will you do differently in the next relationship (If you made mistakes, don’t beat yourself up.  What has happened has happened.  Don’t dwell in the past.  You cannot change what has already happened.  Just be sure to not make the same mistakes again in the future).  You need to accept things as they are and learn from the experience, good or bad.

11.  Finally, when you are ready, make yourself available to meet others.  Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea.