You’ve all experienced this in one way or another. You broke up with someone. Someone broke up with you. Or you are a friend of someone who had just broken up with someone else. So needless to say, I am sure you all know the pain.
My boyfriend and I broke up recently and it’s been rough, to say the least, because we are still in love with each other. We recognize that we had a really good relationship and that we got along so well. We were able to communicate, listen, and compromise. We were connected emotionally, physically and intellectually. But we broke up because there is no future. He is going back to his home country at the end of this year, and we both finally admitted to ourselves that our relationship would not survive over there.
Since the breakup, I’ve been examining my feelings and grieving the loss. And, for the fist time in my life, I’m not rushing into a new relationship so that I can find myself and come out of it without any baggage. In the past, I might have simply masked the pain by denying my feelings, distracting myself with a new relationship, or simply treating myself like a victim and hating the world. But now that I’m more mature, I am handling it in what I think is the best way. Those of you who know me realize that I am a fan of self-help books; so yes, I’ve been reading them, too. Not that I am a veteran of failed relationships, but I think I’m doing a hell of a good job dealing with this. So I thought I’d share with you some insight on what I am doing to survive the breakup. And of course, I’d love to get some advice from you, too, on how YOU cope with the loss of a significant other, too.
1. Treat the breakup as what it is. Do not fantasize about getting back together in the future. Accept your reasons for the breakup, and accept that your relationship is over. This way, you can really deal with the reality and set real boundaries.
2. Talk to your friends and family and ask for their support. Know that you are loved by them and that you are not alone. Accept their support.
3. Grieve. Really grieve. Cry. It’s okay. Let it all out. Don’t deny your negative feelings. Don’t react to them. Just let your feelings be and accept them as they are.
4. Have some alone time. Don’t rush into a new relationship or start dating right away to mask the pain. Take some time to heal.
5. Keep yourself busy. Go out with your friends. Find a hobby. Go to a park. Go to the gym. Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world.
6. Realize that the pain that you are experiencing is just temporary. Remember, time will heal. And life will go on. And eventually, you will be over him or her.
7. Be good to yourself. Take good care of yourself. Treat yourself well. Remember to love yourself.
8. You may want to hook up with an ex or someone else. But don’t. It really won’t make you feel better.
9. Don’t assume that alcohol will make you feel better, either. It won’t.
10. Once you are over the break up, analyze the relationship and yourself. How did you grow from this experience? What did you learn about yourself from this experience? What will you do in the next relationship that is the same? What will you do differently in the next relationship (If you made mistakes, don’t beat yourself up. What has happened has happened. Don’t dwell in the past. You cannot change what has already happened. Just be sure to not make the same mistakes again in the future). You need to accept things as they are and learn from the experience, good or bad.
11. Finally, when you are ready, make yourself available to meet others. Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Tags: breakup, Dating, relationship
March 14, 2007 at 5:48 pm |
You give sage advice. As much as it seems like you will never get over this person, I guarantee that in no time you will be thinking of him as “Thomas? Thomas who?” I must admit though — I am a fan of the post-breakup hook up!
March 14, 2007 at 5:58 pm |
Agree with all the pointers you had on how to survuive a breakup. Most of all- no. 7- “love yourself.” No one, absolutely no one, is worth all those tears and sadness. When you break up-you analyze what went wrong, why you had to make those decisions (in your case, it was the right one, given the relationship was not going to survive the circumstances), identify lessons learned, pick up the pieces and move on. Remember these words from Mariah Carey’s song Hero- “the hero lies in you.”
March 14, 2007 at 6:16 pm |
Sorry to hear that this chapter of your life has ended and the pall of sadness that has casted over you. In time, you will find that it’s all part of the lesson you learned while traveling through the journey of life. Look at the brighter side of things, you had a chance to meet someone who is competable with you in every way, you need to be thankful that you met a person like him, otherwise, you would never know what it feels like. Nothing is permanent in life, you can treasure the memories!
March 15, 2007 at 1:27 am |
Don’t forget, that while it is sad, just because a relationship ends it doesn’t mean it failed. People come in and out of our lives. The times spent with them are wonderful. They can be very significant, and help us learn good and new things about ourselves that we can continue to carry with us in the future. You are a strong beautiful woman and I am excited to see where your next adventures take you.
con amor,
Alicia
March 15, 2007 at 1:47 am |
Knowing what you want is very important. You didn’t follow him just out of fear of losing him. You know what you want in your life and stuck to your own principles. You deserve to live your dreams. Don’t feel that you’re alone because I’m always here for you. You can always fall back on your family when you need support.
March 15, 2007 at 6:41 pm |
Considering that I’ve only been with my boyfriend for a month, I highly doubt I’ll be needing your sage advice anytime soon, but you make some good points that deserve to be said. I know way too many people who took breakups way too harshly, and some that even considered suicide over some pretty stupid people.
Sage advice, though! Good post!
March 19, 2007 at 7:45 am |
Call all your friends (especially the ones you blew off to spend time with your ex when he was your new boyfriend) and let them know you are available. Stay busy, but don’t forget to look inward. And if necessary, spend a few hours talking to a shrink.
At least, that’s what my shrink said.
June 28, 2007 at 3:10 pm |
[...] feel whole again and to heal first before getting into another relationship. [See my blog entitled How to Survive a Breakup]. In my opinion, rushing into a new relationship right away without first healing is tantamount to [...]
December 26, 2007 at 3:13 pm |
Ive just recently been dumped after a 2year relationship, and it went something like this…
22nd Nov – Our 2year anniversary (all great)
25th Nov – She comes round kisses hugs me and then dumps me in 20mins
30th Nov – She sleeps with a work “acquantance”
16th Dec – She sleeps with someone i thought of as a close friend and again work with
20th Dec – She sleeps with one of her friends
My problem is that because we work together, we see one another on a regular basis and travel in similar cirlces. It was gut wrenching to get dumped completely out of the blue, and then even more so to find out shes sleeping around with others ive got to have regular contact with.
I feel as though im the one being dragged through all this while shes having the time of her life. She genuinely looks and sounds happy but i dont seem to – no matter how hard i try to relax or not hear things about her.
The holidays are almost over and will soon go back to work with both her, the acquantance and the EX-friend.
help?
December 26, 2007 at 8:02 pm |
Bill,
Sorry you feel as though you’re being dragged through all this. It can be really hard when two people break up, especially if they work together and have to see one another on a regular basis. I am not a dating expert or a counselor, but my friends always come to me for advice. And if a friend of mine were in your situation, this is what I would tell them.
1. Do keep your relationship out of the office. You might be tempted to discuss your relationship with your ex or use the company email system to send her emails. But you don’t want to look unprofessional, and you don’t want to be part of work gossip. So if you need to talk to her, do so outside of work.
2. Don’t bad mouth your ex in the office. I know it’s tempting, especially if she’s sleeping around. But save your criticisms for your friends outside of work because, again, you don’t want to look unprofessional and be part of office gossip.
3. Do stay focused on your job. I’m sure the breakup will affect your productivity. But remember your deadlines and your projects.
4. Don’t be hostile toward your ex in the office or show too much emotion at work. Remember to keep your professionalism and handle yourself with dignity at work. What you do in the privacy of your own home (e.g., cry) is up to you.
5. Don’t forget that time will heal. In time, you will feel so much better.
6. Do ask to move your office or transfer, if possible, so that you do not have to see your ex on a regular basis.
7. Do know that your friends and family care about you and that you are not alone.
8. Do take care of yourself and be good to yourself because you deserve it.
9. Do talk to a professional (a therapist) if possible.
10. Do think twice before jumping into another office romance.
Good luck!
December 27, 2007 at 12:17 am |
Thank you. Ill definately try and put it into practice.
August 21, 2008 at 8:15 pm |
[...] How to Survive a Breakup — Insight on surviving a breakup, with 11 great tips for picking yourself up and moving on. [...]
March 12, 2009 at 6:20 am |
i agree with your points.
I think its also needs to be said… that you should stay away from your EX. Even if the relationship ended nicely.. just stay away.. not cut each other off. Stay away by keeping yourself busy… 
March 29, 2009 at 1:33 am |
Great post about break up, you just covered all the important aspect dealing with break up, and to stress things up, the point will be to heal your self first before committing to another new relationship.
April 15, 2009 at 11:36 am |
I follow your posts for a long time and must tell you that your articles are always valuable to readers.
April 15, 2009 at 9:06 pm |
Thanks! I haven’t posted anything on Philawdelphia for a long time, but one day soon, I will get back to it.